the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
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*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy