If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Happy thanksgiving
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.