Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
You Might Also Like
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.