Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
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When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
starting a garage orchestra
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.