I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.