home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
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me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
PLOT TWIST:
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham