When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
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Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”