got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
translated into Canadian
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
catch me on valentine’s day like
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job