ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
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[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My safe word is Worcestershire
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.