Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
crying
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids