Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
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Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
My background check bounced.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people