I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
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[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days