watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
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If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
my favorite genre of twitter
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why