ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
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In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.