i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her