dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Beware of the dog..
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.