me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
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You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Is fructose made with real fruct?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.