Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Before & after 😅
for all #parents out there
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
called in thicc to work this morning