I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
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Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
The best plant holders?
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya