*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.