“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
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I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Anime is real
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.