I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Got ya covered
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
These work great until they don’t.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I have so many questions.