Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
house sitting!
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.