Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
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My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
the battle rages on
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Bobby pin
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.