I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
In space, no one can hear…
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp