“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
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“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI