my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
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Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Spell check is for lasers.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]