BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Proctology is located in A55
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.