Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
You Might Also Like
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.