“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Bros before Ohioes
I needed a laugh this morning.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*