Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
You are not alone 💚
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: