A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
You Might Also Like
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…