Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
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[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
all bases covered
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths