I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Actually cracking up @ this
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.