My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.