[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.