NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
no one likes gloating
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Sunday
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.