*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.