You’ll be OK
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I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
there has never been a better use of this meme