Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
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How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.