I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
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Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them