Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
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My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
crying
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
If I ignore life will it go away?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine