Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
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Natural selection at its finest
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse