It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.