him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion