I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
You Might Also Like
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
my professor scared me for a second
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*