neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”