Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
My current situation
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?