WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD