I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
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Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
shampoo implies shampee
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese